To those following me here, I owe you an apology.
I set out to share my journey with this blog, warts and all. My goal has been to help bring light to others fighting through the darkness of their own healing voyage.
And yet, for months I have failed to deliver. For that, I am truly sorry.
It has been several months since my last post, and I thought a great way to come back would be to share a bit about what has been going on in my life in that time. I think it is a beautiful example of the peaks and valleys of this type of work.
Since my last post in early April, I have: moved to a new home, completed my Neuroencoding Methods of Coaching licensure, begun another coaching course with Tony Robbins, attended a week-long trauma-informed healing retreat, and balanced my normal work/life schedule. It has been quite a lot packed into a few months. In that time I’ve also been sure to squeeze in some much-needed summer fun and self care.
So what have I learned from this hiatus? There have been three primary lessons.
1 ) I tend to fall back to old patterns when things start to pick up. It’s like I have a warning bell in my nervous system that goes off when my blog starts getting noticed a bit more. When that happens, part of me starts to procrastinate. It continues to find other things for me to do instead of writing.
It’s a way to hide, because that part of me is scared to be fully seen. The thought of actually getting what is terrifying because then the risk of “failure” is even higher.
2 ) One of those old patterns is that I jump from one learning opportunity to the next, sometimes without even finishing the first thing. I’m officially licensed to start taking on clients as a transformation coach now, which is something I have worked incredibly hard to achieve.
And yet, there is a part of me that is terrified to get started. A part that feels like a fraud.
“Who are YOU to coach other people when you don’t have everything together yourself?”
That imposter syndrome is REAL ya’ll.
I have a degree in psychology and the social sciences. I’ve spent the last two years immersed in coaching material. I’ve read books. I’ve done countless personal growth events and courses… I KNOW that I have a ton of value to deliver, and yet… I’ve realized I’ve been the one holding myself back out of fear.
I’ve been chasing all of these development opportunities as a way to put off actually starting my business. It’s that “I’ll be ready when…” mentality. Except I kept jumping to something else, never feeling fully satisfied that I am “ready”.
As much as I know I am worthy and capable, there is still a part of me that doesn’t think I’m enough. That part of me doesn’t believe I can succeed, and it is trying to protect me from disappointment by keeping me distracted. This brings me to lesson number three.
3 ) In all of the various things drawing my attention for personal growth, I was not allowing time for integration. I was taking in a wealth of information that I wasn’t fully processing and using. So much wisdom. So many useful strategies. All going to waste.
I was expending all of my energy on learning and growing, a consistent consumption of information. It ultimately left little energy left in the tank for me to put it all into practice, which was the whole point! I became overwhelmed because I was doing way too much, and it left me depleted and unable to tap into my creativity to write.
What’s funny to me is that this actually brings me full circle, back to lesson number one;
Falling back to old patterns
I actually learned about “spiritual entertainment” toward the tail end of 2021 in one of the many personal development events I attended last year. I made a commitment at the beginning of this year that 2022 would be a year of integration. That I would slow down on the events and focus on revisiting my notes from past events to gain inspiration to write.
In a way, I did keep at least part of that commitment. I did slow down on the events; only doing the KINRGY TRANSFORM retreat, which just wrapped up this past weekend. And yet… the time I wasn’t filling with events, I was filling with books and courses. It was equally distracting and enabled that scared part within me to feel safer through procrastination.
So the key takeaway is this:
No matter how much we learn and grow, sometimes those old patterns creep in. What I’ve learned most of all this week is that this is not something to be ashamed of, and it is instead something we should embrace. All parts are welcome.
We have to recognize that it is ultimately coming from a place of love and protection. From a part of us that just wants us to be safe.
We have to remember that healing means witnessing yourself falling back to those old patterns, acknowledging why they are happening, and consciously making a different choice. Because after all, we are not our parts.
With love,
Jessica
Finding Light in the Darkness 